Hi,
I’m John Nguyen, I’m the owner of Singapore Adoption Agency. It’s my turn to write this week, and I will write on the topic of communication with adopted children about the adoption.
 
Many adoptive parents find it difficult to talk to their children about their adoption. That’s because parents don’t want to hurt their children when talking about this very sensitive topic. And sometimes parents don’t know how their children digest the information because kids sometimes can’t verbalize what they think or can’t fully comprehend what they are being told. While it is never an easy job, it’s something that parents have to do anyway. Therefore, it’s important for adoptive parents to be mentally ready and be equipped with the right knowledge.
 
In this post, I will share on when and how parents should talk with their child about the adoption in general. I’ll write the next post on what a child understands about the adoption at different age group, and what information the parents should share at each one.
 
When should parents start the conversation?
 
Parents sometimes wonder when they should tell their child that she is adopted. That sounds as though talking about adoption is a one-time event with the parents doing the talking and the child doing the listening. In fact, the conversation about adoption should be an on-going and mutual exchange, with the children encouraged to ask questions, and parents asking questions back to check on the children’s level of understanding. And as to when parents should start this conversation, experts and adoptive parents all agree that children should be told that they were adopted as early as possible. And there are a few reasons to it:
 
- By telling their child early, parents can create a feeling within the family that adoption is a topic for conversation. Infants and toddlers may not be able to understand what it means to be adopted, but they do understand whether mom and dad are comfortable talking about it
- Parents can have a chance to practice talking about a topic that involves sensitive and sometimes painful issues. In the beginning it is common to have difficulty discussing some aspects of the adoption. That’s why it makes more sense to do so first with an infant, who is unlikely to be paying much attention, than with an older child.
- A one-year-old baby is not going to ask any tough questions or have a strong emotional reaction to the facts of his adoption. If we can practice talking about adoption earlier, we will have the confidence later when the child response to talks about adoption with difficult questions and intense emotions.
 
 
How should you start telling your child:
 
 
Before talking with the child about the adoption, parents should make sure they understand why birth parents place the child for adoption.
 
When talking with their children about the adoption, adoptive parents should start at the beginning- the child’s beginning. That means talking about their child’s birth and places that she lived before being adopted. The child’s life did not start with her adoption, although she may have no conscious memory of her life before her adoption. The birth parents should be referred to as real people- by first name if that information is known- who exist somewhere, though they may not be part of the child’s current life.
 
Parents should structure the message in a way that places responsibility for the decision on the natural parents, and not the child. So that she understands that there is nothing about her that makes her more difficult to care for than other babies. It is important that a child know that there are thousands of children who are adopted or who do not live with both biological parents. She needs to know there are many other children in similar circumstances.
 
That being said, parents should discuss the decision to place a child with empathy for the birth parents: they were people caught up in their circumstances, who engaged in behaviour perhaps without forethought about the consequences. When faced with the reality of the pregnancy, they made a difficult decision that they thought was best for the baby. Adoptive parents used to be told to convey the selflessness of the decision by telling their children “your birth mother gave you up for adoption because she loved you so much”. This might be a confusing idea for a child who worries that her adoptive parents will also love her “enough” to place her with another set of parents. It is important to tell the adopted child that her birthparents probably loved her and that it was probably difficult for them to place her for adoption, but that they thought that was what would be best for her. Some parents do add that the birthparents probably think about her often.
 
The child should also understand that even though she has birth parents, her adoptive parents are responsible for raising her and that this is a permanent arrangement. Parents shouldn’t assume that the child knows her adoption is permanent- after all; she already has lost her birth parents. We need to tell our children in concrete terms that our plan is to be their mother or father even though we sometimes get mad or go away on a trip.
 
Not every mention of adoption requires a formal setting in which the parent pulls the child onto her lap an talks in serious tone. Sometimes it is better to handle the subject casually, with what may appear to be an offhand remark. It is similar to the way parents help their children understand other important concepts, such as the danger of crossing the street without first looking for cars. Sometimes they have serious, formal discussions on the subject. But those talks are reinforced whenever an opportunity presents itself. The key is to talk about adoption when it seems natural and relevant to do so.
 
Adopted children learn what it means to be adopted whether or not their adoptive parents tell them about it. The job of the adoptive parents, therefore, is not to explain the social concept of adoption so much as to provide information about the child’s particular situation. Parents should also provide emotional support and reassurance for the child and create an environment in which the child’s questions can be discussed.
 
 
Source:
Raising Adopted Children- Lois Ruskai Melinda
The Connected Child- Karyn B.Purvis, David R.Cross and Wendy Lyons Sunshine

Should I tell my child that he or she was adopted?

Robert has a life that many Singaporeans envied. He comes from a wealthy family, attends IVY league school, works at a large MNC, and dates a beautiful girl. Robert's girlfriend, a Vietnamese American, always tell Robert that she has an elder brother, who has been adopted by a Singaporean couples years ago, and she wishes that one day she could find him. She doesn't know any information about the Singaporean couples, as the adoption was carried out more than 20 years ago, when her parents were still living in Vietnam. Determined to help his girlfriend find her brother, Robert went to Vietnam to find the orphanage that years ago his girlfriend's brother was placed for adoption. Through weeks searching and asking, they found the orphanage, and asked for the records of 27 years ago. But Robert could not believe his eyes when he saw his parents' names on the list of adoptive parents. And the date that the baby was born was the same date that he was born...

Now this may sounds a little dramatic, but adults who are adopted often felt utterly shocked when suddenly told that they were adopted. This is especially worse when it does not come from their parents. In the past, many couples decided not to tell their children that they were adopted because they do not want their children to be hurt knowing that they were "given up" by their biological parents. But there are two issues here: First, one day their chidren might find out the truth and feel terribly lost and deceived, Second, these children are denied of the rights to know who they are and how they joined their families. While the truth carries with it some sadness, the consequences of perceived dishonesty is far worse. Moreover, healthy family ties should be built on trust and honesty, not overprotection resulting in resentment. When adoption is kept a secret, children often realize there is something about them that nobody talks about, and be overly concerned about what it might be. When such a secret is finally revealed, it can destroy the relationship in a family.

Telling the truth often means that the adoptive parents have to come to terms with themselves first. Adoption carries some sadness for all people touched by it. For biological parents- because they could not take care of the babies that they have given birth. For adoptive parents- because they have not given birth and have no genetic resemblence to their children. And adopted children because they are not by blood related to their parents but are virtual strangers to ones who have given them lives. There are two ways adoptive parents handle this, one is to accept the truth and find ways to deal with it, or completely deny that their children are adopted. People who accept the truth are much more sucessful at handling adoption related issues. It is because being honest about adoption helps family members empathize with each other about each one's losses and hence are more inclined to communicate more intimately.


Telling the truth doesn't mean that you will have to diclose everything at once. There are certain details that can be waited when the child grows up so that he/she can be matured enough to deal with the information. And this will be the topic of our next post- how to tell your child that he/she was adopted.



Singapore Adoption Agency is the only agency in Singapore that look for Vietnamese babies. If you have any more questions, please contact Singapore Adoption Agency at (65) 90680573/96467600, or visit our website at www.singaporeadoption-agency.com.

Top ten myths about foreign adoption in Singapore

1. Children adopted from abroad are all disabled, or disturbed.
The vast majority of children from abroad are healthy, happy children. Most of the time birthparents want to put up their babies for adoption because of financial or personal reasons, not because their babies are sick. A reliable adoption agency will do all the necessary health screening to make sure that the babies are healthy before coming to Singapore.

2. Adoption takes years.
You can complete the whole adoption procedure in less than a year. There are 3 steps you will have to go through for foreign adoption. First is to get HSR approval. This takes around 2 months. Second is to approach adoption agency/friends to search for babies. This varies from agency to agency, but it takes 2 months on average for newborn and a little bit longer for toddlers. Third is to complete legal procedures for the babies to live in Singapore as a citizen. This will take about 5 months.

3. Adoption costs a fortune.
If you approach an adoption agency, the fee varies from $20,000 to $26,000 (all included).

4. Adopted children are "stolen" from their bithparents.
This might happen in movies but it very seldom happens in reality. Most adoption agencies are in this line for the long term, and they do not want to get into trouble with the local authorities or develop a bad reputation. Moreover, there are many people in the local countries who want to put up their children for adoption so there is no need to "steal" from anybody.

5. All birth mothers are unstable teenagers.

Many birth mothers are teenagers, but not all of them are unstable. Again, your adoption agency has to screen the birthparents before introducing the babies to you.

6. Birthparents can come back and take your child.

Once the adoption consent form is signed, it is irrevokable. In fact, adopt a foreign child will significantly reduce the risk of birthparents coming back and take your child.

7. Foreign adoption in Singapore is a complicated process.

It is not a complicated process, but there just isn't enough clarity on the information available publicly. You can approach HSR agencies, or adoption agencies and find an expert who can explain to you in details.

8. Singaporeans can only adopt from China, Malaysia, or Indonesia.

Singaporeans can adopt from any country as long as the birthparents have given consents for their babies to be adopted in Singapore.

9. Singaporeans have to fly to the local country to complete the adoption procedure.

The adoption procedure can be completed in Singapore. Not all local countries require Singaporeans to fly in to complete the procedure locally.

10. All foreign adoptions have to be approved by the local country.
There are 2 ways to adopt: from an orphanage, or directly from the birthparents. You don't need to get the local countries' approval if you adopt directly from the birthparents.

 

If you have any more questions, please contact Singapore Adoption Agency at (65) 90680573/96467600, or visit our website at http://www.singaporeadoption-agency.com/. We are Singapore’s number one adoption agency which focuses on Vietnamese babies.

Singapore Adoption Agency. We are different.