Hi,
I’m John Nguyen, I’m the owner of Singapore Adoption Agency. It’s my turn to write this week, and I will write on the topic of communication with adopted children about the adoption.
 
Many adoptive parents find it difficult to talk to their children about their adoption. That’s because parents don’t want to hurt their children when talking about this very sensitive topic. And sometimes parents don’t know how their children digest the information because kids sometimes can’t verbalize what they think or can’t fully comprehend what they are being told. While it is never an easy job, it’s something that parents have to do anyway. Therefore, it’s important for adoptive parents to be mentally ready and be equipped with the right knowledge.
 
In this post, I will share on when and how parents should talk with their child about the adoption in general. I’ll write the next post on what a child understands about the adoption at different age group, and what information the parents should share at each one.
 
When should parents start the conversation?
 
Parents sometimes wonder when they should tell their child that she is adopted. That sounds as though talking about adoption is a one-time event with the parents doing the talking and the child doing the listening. In fact, the conversation about adoption should be an on-going and mutual exchange, with the children encouraged to ask questions, and parents asking questions back to check on the children’s level of understanding. And as to when parents should start this conversation, experts and adoptive parents all agree that children should be told that they were adopted as early as possible. And there are a few reasons to it:
 
- By telling their child early, parents can create a feeling within the family that adoption is a topic for conversation. Infants and toddlers may not be able to understand what it means to be adopted, but they do understand whether mom and dad are comfortable talking about it
- Parents can have a chance to practice talking about a topic that involves sensitive and sometimes painful issues. In the beginning it is common to have difficulty discussing some aspects of the adoption. That’s why it makes more sense to do so first with an infant, who is unlikely to be paying much attention, than with an older child.
- A one-year-old baby is not going to ask any tough questions or have a strong emotional reaction to the facts of his adoption. If we can practice talking about adoption earlier, we will have the confidence later when the child response to talks about adoption with difficult questions and intense emotions.
 
 
How should you start telling your child:
 
 
Before talking with the child about the adoption, parents should make sure they understand why birth parents place the child for adoption.
 
When talking with their children about the adoption, adoptive parents should start at the beginning- the child’s beginning. That means talking about their child’s birth and places that she lived before being adopted. The child’s life did not start with her adoption, although she may have no conscious memory of her life before her adoption. The birth parents should be referred to as real people- by first name if that information is known- who exist somewhere, though they may not be part of the child’s current life.
 
Parents should structure the message in a way that places responsibility for the decision on the natural parents, and not the child. So that she understands that there is nothing about her that makes her more difficult to care for than other babies. It is important that a child know that there are thousands of children who are adopted or who do not live with both biological parents. She needs to know there are many other children in similar circumstances.
 
That being said, parents should discuss the decision to place a child with empathy for the birth parents: they were people caught up in their circumstances, who engaged in behaviour perhaps without forethought about the consequences. When faced with the reality of the pregnancy, they made a difficult decision that they thought was best for the baby. Adoptive parents used to be told to convey the selflessness of the decision by telling their children “your birth mother gave you up for adoption because she loved you so much”. This might be a confusing idea for a child who worries that her adoptive parents will also love her “enough” to place her with another set of parents. It is important to tell the adopted child that her birthparents probably loved her and that it was probably difficult for them to place her for adoption, but that they thought that was what would be best for her. Some parents do add that the birthparents probably think about her often.
 
The child should also understand that even though she has birth parents, her adoptive parents are responsible for raising her and that this is a permanent arrangement. Parents shouldn’t assume that the child knows her adoption is permanent- after all; she already has lost her birth parents. We need to tell our children in concrete terms that our plan is to be their mother or father even though we sometimes get mad or go away on a trip.
 
Not every mention of adoption requires a formal setting in which the parent pulls the child onto her lap an talks in serious tone. Sometimes it is better to handle the subject casually, with what may appear to be an offhand remark. It is similar to the way parents help their children understand other important concepts, such as the danger of crossing the street without first looking for cars. Sometimes they have serious, formal discussions on the subject. But those talks are reinforced whenever an opportunity presents itself. The key is to talk about adoption when it seems natural and relevant to do so.
 
Adopted children learn what it means to be adopted whether or not their adoptive parents tell them about it. The job of the adoptive parents, therefore, is not to explain the social concept of adoption so much as to provide information about the child’s particular situation. Parents should also provide emotional support and reassurance for the child and create an environment in which the child’s questions can be discussed.
 
 
Source:
Raising Adopted Children- Lois Ruskai Melinda
The Connected Child- Karyn B.Purvis, David R.Cross and Wendy Lyons Sunshine