Hi,
I’m John Nguyen, I’m the owner of Singapore Adoption Agency. It’s my turn to write this week, and I will write on the topic of communication with adopted children about the adoption.
 
Many adoptive parents find it difficult to talk to their children about their adoption. That’s because parents don’t want to hurt their children when talking about this very sensitive topic. And sometimes parents don’t know how their children digest the information because kids sometimes can’t verbalize what they think or can’t fully comprehend what they are being told. While it is never an easy job, it’s something that parents have to do anyway. Therefore, it’s important for adoptive parents to be mentally ready and be equipped with the right knowledge.
 
In this post, I will share on when and how parents should talk with their child about the adoption in general. I’ll write the next post on what a child understands about the adoption at different age group, and what information the parents should share at each one.
 
When should parents start the conversation?
 
Parents sometimes wonder when they should tell their child that she is adopted. That sounds as though talking about adoption is a one-time event with the parents doing the talking and the child doing the listening. In fact, the conversation about adoption should be an on-going and mutual exchange, with the children encouraged to ask questions, and parents asking questions back to check on the children’s level of understanding. And as to when parents should start this conversation, experts and adoptive parents all agree that children should be told that they were adopted as early as possible. And there are a few reasons to it:
 
- By telling their child early, parents can create a feeling within the family that adoption is a topic for conversation. Infants and toddlers may not be able to understand what it means to be adopted, but they do understand whether mom and dad are comfortable talking about it
- Parents can have a chance to practice talking about a topic that involves sensitive and sometimes painful issues. In the beginning it is common to have difficulty discussing some aspects of the adoption. That’s why it makes more sense to do so first with an infant, who is unlikely to be paying much attention, than with an older child.
- A one-year-old baby is not going to ask any tough questions or have a strong emotional reaction to the facts of his adoption. If we can practice talking about adoption earlier, we will have the confidence later when the child response to talks about adoption with difficult questions and intense emotions.
 
 
How should you start telling your child:
 
 
Before talking with the child about the adoption, parents should make sure they understand why birth parents place the child for adoption.
 
When talking with their children about the adoption, adoptive parents should start at the beginning- the child’s beginning. That means talking about their child’s birth and places that she lived before being adopted. The child’s life did not start with her adoption, although she may have no conscious memory of her life before her adoption. The birth parents should be referred to as real people- by first name if that information is known- who exist somewhere, though they may not be part of the child’s current life.
 
Parents should structure the message in a way that places responsibility for the decision on the natural parents, and not the child. So that she understands that there is nothing about her that makes her more difficult to care for than other babies. It is important that a child know that there are thousands of children who are adopted or who do not live with both biological parents. She needs to know there are many other children in similar circumstances.
 
That being said, parents should discuss the decision to place a child with empathy for the birth parents: they were people caught up in their circumstances, who engaged in behaviour perhaps without forethought about the consequences. When faced with the reality of the pregnancy, they made a difficult decision that they thought was best for the baby. Adoptive parents used to be told to convey the selflessness of the decision by telling their children “your birth mother gave you up for adoption because she loved you so much”. This might be a confusing idea for a child who worries that her adoptive parents will also love her “enough” to place her with another set of parents. It is important to tell the adopted child that her birthparents probably loved her and that it was probably difficult for them to place her for adoption, but that they thought that was what would be best for her. Some parents do add that the birthparents probably think about her often.
 
The child should also understand that even though she has birth parents, her adoptive parents are responsible for raising her and that this is a permanent arrangement. Parents shouldn’t assume that the child knows her adoption is permanent- after all; she already has lost her birth parents. We need to tell our children in concrete terms that our plan is to be their mother or father even though we sometimes get mad or go away on a trip.
 
Not every mention of adoption requires a formal setting in which the parent pulls the child onto her lap an talks in serious tone. Sometimes it is better to handle the subject casually, with what may appear to be an offhand remark. It is similar to the way parents help their children understand other important concepts, such as the danger of crossing the street without first looking for cars. Sometimes they have serious, formal discussions on the subject. But those talks are reinforced whenever an opportunity presents itself. The key is to talk about adoption when it seems natural and relevant to do so.
 
Adopted children learn what it means to be adopted whether or not their adoptive parents tell them about it. The job of the adoptive parents, therefore, is not to explain the social concept of adoption so much as to provide information about the child’s particular situation. Parents should also provide emotional support and reassurance for the child and create an environment in which the child’s questions can be discussed.
 
 
Source:
Raising Adopted Children- Lois Ruskai Melinda
The Connected Child- Karyn B.Purvis, David R.Cross and Wendy Lyons Sunshine

Should I tell my child that he or she was adopted?

Robert has a life that many Singaporeans envied. He comes from a wealthy family, attends IVY league school, works at a large MNC, and dates a beautiful girl. Robert's girlfriend, a Vietnamese American, always tell Robert that she has an elder brother, who has been adopted by a Singaporean couples years ago, and she wishes that one day she could find him. She doesn't know any information about the Singaporean couples, as the adoption was carried out more than 20 years ago, when her parents were still living in Vietnam. Determined to help his girlfriend find her brother, Robert went to Vietnam to find the orphanage that years ago his girlfriend's brother was placed for adoption. Through weeks searching and asking, they found the orphanage, and asked for the records of 27 years ago. But Robert could not believe his eyes when he saw his parents' names on the list of adoptive parents. And the date that the baby was born was the same date that he was born...

Now this may sounds a little dramatic, but adults who are adopted often felt utterly shocked when suddenly told that they were adopted. This is especially worse when it does not come from their parents. In the past, many couples decided not to tell their children that they were adopted because they do not want their children to be hurt knowing that they were "given up" by their biological parents. But there are two issues here: First, one day their chidren might find out the truth and feel terribly lost and deceived, Second, these children are denied of the rights to know who they are and how they joined their families. While the truth carries with it some sadness, the consequences of perceived dishonesty is far worse. Moreover, healthy family ties should be built on trust and honesty, not overprotection resulting in resentment. When adoption is kept a secret, children often realize there is something about them that nobody talks about, and be overly concerned about what it might be. When such a secret is finally revealed, it can destroy the relationship in a family.

Telling the truth often means that the adoptive parents have to come to terms with themselves first. Adoption carries some sadness for all people touched by it. For biological parents- because they could not take care of the babies that they have given birth. For adoptive parents- because they have not given birth and have no genetic resemblence to their children. And adopted children because they are not by blood related to their parents but are virtual strangers to ones who have given them lives. There are two ways adoptive parents handle this, one is to accept the truth and find ways to deal with it, or completely deny that their children are adopted. People who accept the truth are much more sucessful at handling adoption related issues. It is because being honest about adoption helps family members empathize with each other about each one's losses and hence are more inclined to communicate more intimately.


Telling the truth doesn't mean that you will have to diclose everything at once. There are certain details that can be waited when the child grows up so that he/she can be matured enough to deal with the information. And this will be the topic of our next post- how to tell your child that he/she was adopted.



Singapore Adoption Agency is the only agency in Singapore that look for Vietnamese babies. If you have any more questions, please contact Singapore Adoption Agency at (65) 90680573/96467600, or visit our website at www.singaporeadoption-agency.com.

Top ten myths about foreign adoption in Singapore

1. Children adopted from abroad are all disabled, or disturbed.
The vast majority of children from abroad are healthy, happy children. Most of the time birthparents want to put up their babies for adoption because of financial or personal reasons, not because their babies are sick. A reliable adoption agency will do all the necessary health screening to make sure that the babies are healthy before coming to Singapore.

2. Adoption takes years.
You can complete the whole adoption procedure in less than a year. There are 3 steps you will have to go through for foreign adoption. First is to get HSR approval. This takes around 2 months. Second is to approach adoption agency/friends to search for babies. This varies from agency to agency, but it takes 2 months on average for newborn and a little bit longer for toddlers. Third is to complete legal procedures for the babies to live in Singapore as a citizen. This will take about 5 months.

3. Adoption costs a fortune.
If you approach an adoption agency, the fee varies from $20,000 to $26,000 (all included).

4. Adopted children are "stolen" from their bithparents.
This might happen in movies but it very seldom happens in reality. Most adoption agencies are in this line for the long term, and they do not want to get into trouble with the local authorities or develop a bad reputation. Moreover, there are many people in the local countries who want to put up their children for adoption so there is no need to "steal" from anybody.

5. All birth mothers are unstable teenagers.

Many birth mothers are teenagers, but not all of them are unstable. Again, your adoption agency has to screen the birthparents before introducing the babies to you.

6. Birthparents can come back and take your child.

Once the adoption consent form is signed, it is irrevokable. In fact, adopt a foreign child will significantly reduce the risk of birthparents coming back and take your child.

7. Foreign adoption in Singapore is a complicated process.

It is not a complicated process, but there just isn't enough clarity on the information available publicly. You can approach HSR agencies, or adoption agencies and find an expert who can explain to you in details.

8. Singaporeans can only adopt from China, Malaysia, or Indonesia.

Singaporeans can adopt from any country as long as the birthparents have given consents for their babies to be adopted in Singapore.

9. Singaporeans have to fly to the local country to complete the adoption procedure.

The adoption procedure can be completed in Singapore. Not all local countries require Singaporeans to fly in to complete the procedure locally.

10. All foreign adoptions have to be approved by the local country.
There are 2 ways to adopt: from an orphanage, or directly from the birthparents. You don't need to get the local countries' approval if you adopt directly from the birthparents.

 

If you have any more questions, please contact Singapore Adoption Agency at (65) 90680573/96467600, or visit our website at http://www.singaporeadoption-agency.com/. We are Singapore’s number one adoption agency which focuses on Vietnamese babies.

Singapore Adoption Agency. We are different.

Bonding with your adopted infant

How can I bond with a baby that “isn’t mine”?

Normal infants are able to form attachments with any caregiver. Some parents feel an instant bond when they meet and hold their infant. For most, however, bonding is a gradual process, taking weeks and sometimes months. More than 50 percent of our adoptive families, when asked to recall those first days and weeks, report that they felt more numb and scared than connected and competent.

You may meet your infant in a hospital room, a hotel room, an airport, or at home, in a quiet room or amid a bustling group. Your child may snuggle into your arms or pull away and cry. Some infants become withdrawn and unresponsive, while others light up with a smile. The more you’ve prepared by talking with other adoptive parents about the wide range of experiences, the less likely you are to feel taken aback by your baby’s reaction.

All infants, even newborns, need time to adjust and connect with a new environment and family.  They  may avoid eye contact, become fussy, refuse to take a bottle, sleep excessively or not at all. This has nothing to do with parenting skills or whether or not you gave birth to this child. So try to relax and give your baby time to adjust.

Tips for bonding with your baby:

1. Appeal to your baby’s senses. Hold off washing the outfit she came home in, and keep it near her in the crib. Newborns can be comforted by a familiar aroma.
2. Avoid excessive eye contact. A newborn will let you know when it’s too much- she’ll look away, close her eyes, or fuss.
3. Speak quietly and move gently. Most infants will startle at sudden movement. Leave the room as little as possible. If you can, stay in the hotel room, rest, and hold your baby, rock her or croon to her- these early movements of bonding are priceless. Try to avoid distracting visitors, noise, and commotion.
4. Snuggle up. Hold your infant as much as possible, to facilitate bonding. A baby cannot be spoiled by too much holding. Consider using a baby sling or a front carrier.
5. Respond to your child’s cries immediately.
6. Playfully imitate your child; let her know she’s the center of the universe. Play peekaboo!
7. Talk to your child as you perform nurturing actions, like cuddling and feeding.
8. Stay with your child and comfort him through crying and screaming.

Should I practice cocooning?

Limit the number of other people that your child comes into contact with in the early days home. “Cocooning” your family is often recommended. This helps your child learn who is a part of their new family and who they are supposed to be bonding to and relying on. Many people recommend not letting anyone other than the parents hold and feed a new baby in the early days home. Definitely limit the number of caregivers of any new child to as few as possible.

Educate your extended family and friends about attachment and the importance of your baby or child not being held, cared for or spending a lot of time with people outside of the immediate family after they first arrive home. Do this before your child comes home. Let your family and friends know why this is in your child’s best interest, and that you are not trying to hurt feelings (just doing what’s best for your child).

If you have any more questions, please contact Singapore Adoption Agency at (65) 90680573/96467600, or visit our website at http://www.singaporeadoption-agency.com/. We are Singapore’s number one adoption agency which focuses on Vietnamese babies.

Singapore Adoption Agency. We are different.

How to talk about your decision to adopt to your relatives and friends

Most of us who adopt spent years contemplating the decision to adopt. But some expect our families to be completely supportive of that decision immediately. We forget that we may have struggled ourselves with questions about whether or not to adopt; what age of child to adopt; what sex; or what race…. So we should give our families time to adjust to the idea of adoption, provide them with information that will help them understand our decision, give them an opportunity to express their feelings and have those feelings respected rather than challanged, and finally, forgive them for anything negative they might say or do while they adjust to the way we choose to form our families.

Below are things to keep in mind when you communicate your decision with your families and friends:

1. Information: People can’t be sensitive toward something they don’t understand. Each time that you diplomatically point out a painful error that a friend, a family member, a medical person has made in referring to you or to your decision to adopt, you increase the likelihood that this person’s sensitive level will be raised to the point of her being unlikely to repeat such errors.
2. Sensitivity: Just as you expect that your family members should be sensitive to your pain, you must realize that your intertility may be painful to them, too. Parents, in particular, often tend to feel guilty that they might have done something to contribute to your medical problem. As well, they shared your assumptions that grandchildren would be born who shared the family genes. Just as you mourn the potential loss of your genetic children, so do they.
3. Patience: Your friends and family are at least one step behind you and your spouse in resolving intertility’s impact on your lives together. You will have spent a great deal of private time making decisions before you announce them  publicly. Be prepared for the fact that when you announce your decision, particularly controversial ones, your family have not yet had the time to adjust to them as you have. They may react with shock, even fear, or revulsion. They must be given time to adjust, and you must support them in this adjustment, just as you wish them to support you in your decision. Beyond this, it is important to accept that fertile people cannot ever be expected to fully understand such a profound experience as is intertility.
4. Clarity: As you work to sensitize and inform, keep your discussion simple, brief, and factual whenever possible. Most listeners, not absorbed in the daily pain of intertility as are you, are unable to absorb or deal with the heaviness of your situation at once.

You can find online support group and ask for their experience in communicating the adoption decision with their loved ones. For a list of online adoption network and resources, click here.

If you have any more questions, please contact Singapore Adoption Agency at (65) 90680573/96467600, or visit our website at http://www.singaporeadoption-agency.com/. We are Singapore’s number one adoption agency which focuses on Vietnamese babies.

Singapore Adoption Agency. We are different.

How do I tackle the Home Study Report?

What is a home study report?

A Home Study Report or HSR is a mandatory report for those who want to adopt internationally. It consists of information inputs from adoptors, office interviews and home visits. It requires you to disclose information about your medical records, financial situation, and ciminal backgrounds, as well as details your family relationships, and your feeling about adoption. The HSR is conducted by accredited social service organizations in Singapore (Click here for a list of agencies).

How long does it take to complete a HSR?

The time to complete a HSR varies from 1 to 2 months.

What do councellors look for in an HSR?

The HSR is created to protect the rights of adoptees. It wants to make sure the adoptees have acceptable conditions to live in and to grow up. Because bringing up a child is a long-term affair, the social workers will want to know your health conditions, your parental style and whether you have the financial capability to raise a child.

Can I choose the social worker who conducted the HSR?

There are 5 agencies in Singapore who are accredited to conduct the HSR. You can interview the agencies before you decide to select the one to conduct your HSR. And when you are first interviewing agencies, ask who is likely to do your home study, and request a quick, informal chat. If you are comfortable with his/her style and presence, you’ll want to go for that agency.

How can I speed it up?

When you’re interviewing agencies or social workers, ask how long they expect each phase of the home study to take? Don’t hesitate to ask your social worker about his workload, if he/she seems disorganized or takes too long to return your calls, ask to be assigned to someone else. For your part, gather all documents and make your medical appointments early in the process.

What are they looking for in a home visit?

A home study is meant to explore what kind of life you can offer a child. It is not intended to get skeletons out of the closet. Dust in your house is all right- social workers are not typically critiquing your housekeeping standards (some agencies even believe that people living in a picture-perfect home would have a difficult time adjusting to the mess a child brings to a household). You don’t have to have toys or a decorated nursery. Social workers are just looking for people who will be sensible, loving parents.

What should I worry about?

If you have a medical, financial, or criminal record that you fear might result in an unfavourable home study, don’t wait to mention.

• Health problems or disabilities: An agency will want to know if you can care for a child long-term. If you’re in the middle of medical treatment or have a condition that threatens your life expectancy, you might be prevented from adopting. If  you have medical condition that is under control (for instance, high blood pressure or diabetes that is managed by diet and medication) you may still be approved to adopt. If your family has sought counseling or treatment for a mental health condition in the past, you may be asked to provide reports from those visits.
• Financial problems: a history of bank-ruptcy, high debt, or failure to pay child support could be cause for denial. But you don’t have to be rich to adopt, you just have to show that you can manage your finances responsibly and adequately. 

How can I help my spouse put up with the HSR?

Every adoptive parent we know has said, at some point during the home study: “This is unfair, they don’t make people go through this before they get pregnant”. For some initially reluctant spouses, the prospect of having their lives examined is too much to bear. Our families say the best way  to deal with this is to turn the process around: Think of the home study as the chance to ask an expert- the social worker- everything you want to know about adoption.

What if I’m rejected?

In the unlikely event that your counsellor does not approve your HSR, the first thing to do is appeal to the head of the agency to make sure it’s not a matter of personal chemistry (it’s been known to happen). Next, check with your support group: Have other people in  your situation been approved? If so, by whom? If there’s absolutely no reason for your rejection, apply to another agency.

FAQ of the HSR interview:

About yourself

1. What is your experience with intertility, and how have you resolved your grief over intertility?
2. What is your relationship with your spouse? How do you approach problem solving and handle conflict as a team? Give examples
3. What is your employment status? What are your plans after your child arrives?
4. What is your financial situation? Are you able to live within your means and save for future expenses?
5. How were you parented in your family of origin, and how might you experiences growing up affect your own parenting?

About parenting and adoption

1. What is your motivation to adopt?
2. What type of child are you interested in adopting, and why?
3. Can you consider taking a child with prenatal drug/alcohol exposure? Any other disability?
4. Are you open to parenting a child of another race? If so, what experiences do you have with children and adults of other races?
5. What efforts have you made to educate yourself about adoption?
6. What are your expectations of parenthood? Of your child?
7. What are your theories about parenting?
8. What experiences have you had caring for children?
9. How does your family feel about your plan to adopt?

If you have any more questions, please contact Singapore Adoption Agency at (65) 90680573/96467600, or visit our website at www.singaporeadoption-agency.com. We are Singapore’s number one adoption agency which focuses on Vietnamese babies.

Singapore Adoption Agency. We are different.