Bonding with your adopted infant

How can I bond with a baby that “isn’t mine”?

Normal infants are able to form attachments with any caregiver. Some parents feel an instant bond when they meet and hold their infant. For most, however, bonding is a gradual process, taking weeks and sometimes months. More than 50 percent of our adoptive families, when asked to recall those first days and weeks, report that they felt more numb and scared than connected and competent.

You may meet your infant in a hospital room, a hotel room, an airport, or at home, in a quiet room or amid a bustling group. Your child may snuggle into your arms or pull away and cry. Some infants become withdrawn and unresponsive, while others light up with a smile. The more you’ve prepared by talking with other adoptive parents about the wide range of experiences, the less likely you are to feel taken aback by your baby’s reaction.

All infants, even newborns, need time to adjust and connect with a new environment and family.  They  may avoid eye contact, become fussy, refuse to take a bottle, sleep excessively or not at all. This has nothing to do with parenting skills or whether or not you gave birth to this child. So try to relax and give your baby time to adjust.

Tips for bonding with your baby:

1. Appeal to your baby’s senses. Hold off washing the outfit she came home in, and keep it near her in the crib. Newborns can be comforted by a familiar aroma.
2. Avoid excessive eye contact. A newborn will let you know when it’s too much- she’ll look away, close her eyes, or fuss.
3. Speak quietly and move gently. Most infants will startle at sudden movement. Leave the room as little as possible. If you can, stay in the hotel room, rest, and hold your baby, rock her or croon to her- these early movements of bonding are priceless. Try to avoid distracting visitors, noise, and commotion.
4. Snuggle up. Hold your infant as much as possible, to facilitate bonding. A baby cannot be spoiled by too much holding. Consider using a baby sling or a front carrier.
5. Respond to your child’s cries immediately.
6. Playfully imitate your child; let her know she’s the center of the universe. Play peekaboo!
7. Talk to your child as you perform nurturing actions, like cuddling and feeding.
8. Stay with your child and comfort him through crying and screaming.

Should I practice cocooning?

Limit the number of other people that your child comes into contact with in the early days home. “Cocooning” your family is often recommended. This helps your child learn who is a part of their new family and who they are supposed to be bonding to and relying on. Many people recommend not letting anyone other than the parents hold and feed a new baby in the early days home. Definitely limit the number of caregivers of any new child to as few as possible.

Educate your extended family and friends about attachment and the importance of your baby or child not being held, cared for or spending a lot of time with people outside of the immediate family after they first arrive home. Do this before your child comes home. Let your family and friends know why this is in your child’s best interest, and that you are not trying to hurt feelings (just doing what’s best for your child).

If you have any more questions, please contact Singapore Adoption Agency at (65) 90680573/96467600, or visit our website at http://www.singaporeadoption-agency.com/. We are Singapore’s number one adoption agency which focuses on Vietnamese babies.

Singapore Adoption Agency. We are different.

How to talk about your decision to adopt to your relatives and friends

Most of us who adopt spent years contemplating the decision to adopt. But some expect our families to be completely supportive of that decision immediately. We forget that we may have struggled ourselves with questions about whether or not to adopt; what age of child to adopt; what sex; or what race…. So we should give our families time to adjust to the idea of adoption, provide them with information that will help them understand our decision, give them an opportunity to express their feelings and have those feelings respected rather than challanged, and finally, forgive them for anything negative they might say or do while they adjust to the way we choose to form our families.

Below are things to keep in mind when you communicate your decision with your families and friends:

1. Information: People can’t be sensitive toward something they don’t understand. Each time that you diplomatically point out a painful error that a friend, a family member, a medical person has made in referring to you or to your decision to adopt, you increase the likelihood that this person’s sensitive level will be raised to the point of her being unlikely to repeat such errors.
2. Sensitivity: Just as you expect that your family members should be sensitive to your pain, you must realize that your intertility may be painful to them, too. Parents, in particular, often tend to feel guilty that they might have done something to contribute to your medical problem. As well, they shared your assumptions that grandchildren would be born who shared the family genes. Just as you mourn the potential loss of your genetic children, so do they.
3. Patience: Your friends and family are at least one step behind you and your spouse in resolving intertility’s impact on your lives together. You will have spent a great deal of private time making decisions before you announce them  publicly. Be prepared for the fact that when you announce your decision, particularly controversial ones, your family have not yet had the time to adjust to them as you have. They may react with shock, even fear, or revulsion. They must be given time to adjust, and you must support them in this adjustment, just as you wish them to support you in your decision. Beyond this, it is important to accept that fertile people cannot ever be expected to fully understand such a profound experience as is intertility.
4. Clarity: As you work to sensitize and inform, keep your discussion simple, brief, and factual whenever possible. Most listeners, not absorbed in the daily pain of intertility as are you, are unable to absorb or deal with the heaviness of your situation at once.

You can find online support group and ask for their experience in communicating the adoption decision with their loved ones. For a list of online adoption network and resources, click here.

If you have any more questions, please contact Singapore Adoption Agency at (65) 90680573/96467600, or visit our website at http://www.singaporeadoption-agency.com/. We are Singapore’s number one adoption agency which focuses on Vietnamese babies.

Singapore Adoption Agency. We are different.

How do I tackle the Home Study Report?

What is a home study report?

A Home Study Report or HSR is a mandatory report for those who want to adopt internationally. It consists of information inputs from adoptors, office interviews and home visits. It requires you to disclose information about your medical records, financial situation, and ciminal backgrounds, as well as details your family relationships, and your feeling about adoption. The HSR is conducted by accredited social service organizations in Singapore (Click here for a list of agencies).

How long does it take to complete a HSR?

The time to complete a HSR varies from 1 to 2 months.

What do councellors look for in an HSR?

The HSR is created to protect the rights of adoptees. It wants to make sure the adoptees have acceptable conditions to live in and to grow up. Because bringing up a child is a long-term affair, the social workers will want to know your health conditions, your parental style and whether you have the financial capability to raise a child.

Can I choose the social worker who conducted the HSR?

There are 5 agencies in Singapore who are accredited to conduct the HSR. You can interview the agencies before you decide to select the one to conduct your HSR. And when you are first interviewing agencies, ask who is likely to do your home study, and request a quick, informal chat. If you are comfortable with his/her style and presence, you’ll want to go for that agency.

How can I speed it up?

When you’re interviewing agencies or social workers, ask how long they expect each phase of the home study to take? Don’t hesitate to ask your social worker about his workload, if he/she seems disorganized or takes too long to return your calls, ask to be assigned to someone else. For your part, gather all documents and make your medical appointments early in the process.

What are they looking for in a home visit?

A home study is meant to explore what kind of life you can offer a child. It is not intended to get skeletons out of the closet. Dust in your house is all right- social workers are not typically critiquing your housekeeping standards (some agencies even believe that people living in a picture-perfect home would have a difficult time adjusting to the mess a child brings to a household). You don’t have to have toys or a decorated nursery. Social workers are just looking for people who will be sensible, loving parents.

What should I worry about?

If you have a medical, financial, or criminal record that you fear might result in an unfavourable home study, don’t wait to mention.

• Health problems or disabilities: An agency will want to know if you can care for a child long-term. If you’re in the middle of medical treatment or have a condition that threatens your life expectancy, you might be prevented from adopting. If  you have medical condition that is under control (for instance, high blood pressure or diabetes that is managed by diet and medication) you may still be approved to adopt. If your family has sought counseling or treatment for a mental health condition in the past, you may be asked to provide reports from those visits.
• Financial problems: a history of bank-ruptcy, high debt, or failure to pay child support could be cause for denial. But you don’t have to be rich to adopt, you just have to show that you can manage your finances responsibly and adequately. 

How can I help my spouse put up with the HSR?

Every adoptive parent we know has said, at some point during the home study: “This is unfair, they don’t make people go through this before they get pregnant”. For some initially reluctant spouses, the prospect of having their lives examined is too much to bear. Our families say the best way  to deal with this is to turn the process around: Think of the home study as the chance to ask an expert- the social worker- everything you want to know about adoption.

What if I’m rejected?

In the unlikely event that your counsellor does not approve your HSR, the first thing to do is appeal to the head of the agency to make sure it’s not a matter of personal chemistry (it’s been known to happen). Next, check with your support group: Have other people in  your situation been approved? If so, by whom? If there’s absolutely no reason for your rejection, apply to another agency.

FAQ of the HSR interview:

About yourself

1. What is your experience with intertility, and how have you resolved your grief over intertility?
2. What is your relationship with your spouse? How do you approach problem solving and handle conflict as a team? Give examples
3. What is your employment status? What are your plans after your child arrives?
4. What is your financial situation? Are you able to live within your means and save for future expenses?
5. How were you parented in your family of origin, and how might you experiences growing up affect your own parenting?

About parenting and adoption

1. What is your motivation to adopt?
2. What type of child are you interested in adopting, and why?
3. Can you consider taking a child with prenatal drug/alcohol exposure? Any other disability?
4. Are you open to parenting a child of another race? If so, what experiences do you have with children and adults of other races?
5. What efforts have you made to educate yourself about adoption?
6. What are your expectations of parenthood? Of your child?
7. What are your theories about parenting?
8. What experiences have you had caring for children?
9. How does your family feel about your plan to adopt?

If you have any more questions, please contact Singapore Adoption Agency at (65) 90680573/96467600, or visit our website at www.singaporeadoption-agency.com. We are Singapore’s number one adoption agency which focuses on Vietnamese babies.

Singapore Adoption Agency. We are different.